I'm so depressed today. I can't even describe what im feeling right now. I just want to drink all of the pills that I have. I just want to die. I just feel like i'm so shattered. This day totally broke my heart. I just can't move. I know that i don't usally share sad stories to people not even to my friends.. with that said, i still won't directly say what's my problem. Let's leave it in mystery... but this time please bear with my sadness. I have been hiding all of these sadness inside of me I can't control it anymore. I'm just really struggling. I've been pretending. I'm not a happy person.
one.It's just really sad that the only thing that you look forward to in the whole day just didn't happen the way it supposed to be.
two.I have sacrificed a lot of things for other people and It just puzzles me that they just don't have a clue. I have my limits.
three.Why won't they just let me be? They're choking me. I feel so Guarded and Stupid.. like they expect everything here.. I need lecturing of. They made me like this and that's why I can't go on doing things that i wish them to be.
I know, at this point, everyone's clueless as to why I blogged like this. Sorry if it doesn't seem to be like me. I just don't share things like this out in the "real world". It's because I'd rather hide it than to explain everything. It's easier. Being open about things like this is exactly what don't want people to think about. I hate negative energy. I chose to keep my problems to myself.--->four.I don't want sadness to corrupt one single day I have with my friends.I just realized that it's finally eating me inside.
I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I've never been so down. It's like the feeling that you want to hug someone but there's no one there to. Don't take it literally. I just wanted to feel happy and This day JUST didn't allow it. I was just really longing for that company. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what I'm needing. I feel too much.. too much that It's driving me nuts.
five.The only thing that I am holding onto is the fact that I DO feel happy.. I admit.. but not entirely. I just want to feel that smile. I long for something.. The answers to my Questions. How is it possible that this sadness is still painful when I felt it thousand times before. It crosses my mind a million times.
six.It also just doesn't seem to be normal that 2 people are distant to me now. I'm not that person but the sad thing is.. I AM that person.
seven.I'm a very different person here at home than I am with everyone I know. I don't know which one I really am. I'm figuring out my own self since the day I got tangled about it.
-------> I'm turing crazy. Depressed. Empty.Who am I fooling? I'm gonna die alone, sad and pretending.. hiding inside myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. Am I the Silly guy you all know about or am I just hiding under that Persona? Am I someone else different? Where does this crazy outlook come from?
Plain werid. Maybe I'm just having another complex-psychological episode like what happened in one summer when almost everyone wanted me to go to a psychologist, because I lost weight and I.. nevermind..
Crazy ass.. me.. I'm wondering myself. I just think I need time alone. I just want to stop school and get in touch with my roots. I want to live a few months and try to find out what I want in life.. discover myself all over again. I want to put my life on HOLD. Everything on HOLD.
Pals, Just remain clueless.. because it's just what it is. something you're always clueless about.
Please don't try to joke about my post. It's really something very personal to me.
I'm sorry if I just seem to talk in riddles. I know most of you won't really get me. I know some of you will. There are less than 5 people that know all my personal obstacles. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough. I want to give in to the familiar feeling I'm longing for.
Too much drama. can't handle it alone anymore. i just needed to post it to get it out of my mind. I just want answers.
I'm so MAD.. so MAD at how easily a simple Day could turn so BAD in just a few seconds. Someone triggered all of this. Shit.